I don’t know how to start this post


I don’t know how to start this post.

My daughter’s in the background playing with the fridge magnets and making a bloop-bleep noise. I can hear the dishwasher sploshing away in the kitchen. I’m trying desperately not to survey the mess in my office, and failing.

Everything is everywhere. Feels a lot like my life right now. Scraps of me torn off and flung around the metaphorical room . On this relatively calm Saturday, it’s as if a playful-yet-savage cat caught a robin, and then ripped that robin an arsehole the size of a clown’s pocket, but it’s still alive and now the cat’s got bored, but the robin can’t move and no-one has discovered the robin yet. If this were a film, there’d be some cinematic bokeh and a pianistic plinky-plonky emotional tear-jerker of a soundtrack. Like “Mad World”. But the Gary Jules version, not the Tears For Fears version.

(In case you didn’t get the analogy, I’m the robin.)

Y’see, I’ve found myself in a trap of my own making. Again.

The Work Trap. The Money Trap. The “You’re Not Busy Enough, That Means You’re Lazy” Trap.

About 8 months ago, I decided to step back onto the treadmill I’d sort-of got off (but not totally, because MONEY PANIC and LAZY PANIC as per above traps): Web design.

There are elements of the world of Web Design that are good; meeting clients, being creative, pulling together ideas, hearing things like “OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU’RE A GENIUS!” (I mean, does that ever get tired?!).

But Web design is not my passion. It’s just something that I fell into and I’m pretty good at. But for 90% of the time, I REALLY. STRUGGLE. With it.

The detail, the tweaking, the “can we just…” emails, the amount of time every single thing takes to craft properly, the creeping scope. But mostly, it’s the slow-drip ennui I get from sitting down talking to nobody except my 6 year old daughter, my therapist and my husband. And those are the good weeks when my husband is actually here and not gallivanting across Europe on business.

Back at the start of this year, I took up a childhood hobby and long-lost passion again – gymnastics. I love it as much as I used to when I was a girl. I loved it so much, I started a coaching course.

For a while there, my newly discovered re-love of gymnastics was helping to fill the void that creating websites was exposing. But with the onset of new projects melding with unfinished continuing projects, therein lay the bottleneck of stress, anxiety, depression and other associated dragons.

You might be familiar with that sensation of waking up one day and saying to yourself, “Oh shit. I’m here again.”. We’ve all felt it – whether it’s the job we said we’d quit seven years ago or that boy you shagged and promised yourself NEVER. AGAIN.

And instead of just letting it happen and running away from the feeling, I’m now in a slightly better situation. I’m a regular partaker of therapy (and if you’re considering it, DO IT because LIFE-CHANGING), I’m no stranger to this feeling with a toolbox of tricks to assist myself and this time?

This time I’m ready to make a big, fat, hairy change. If only I could tell you what that change was.